Yoga Intoxication

Published on:

Let me start by commending all of you practitioners out there who are able to sustain an asana practice while under the influence of any one of the following substances:  alcohol, marijuana, cocaine, XTC, Quaaludes, or the occasional muscle relaxant (oh wait, I’ve done that! Under doctor’s orders, none the less).

Now let me explain….A couple of years back, I was taking a class meant for “detoxification”.  Given that the class was pre-heated to the equivalent temperature of standing on the sun, I would say the amount of sweat pouring out of me was sufficient to burn out the impurities leftover not only from the past 24-hours but anything that also might be lingering from New Year’s Eve circa 1995 when I walked in the snow for 3 hours back and forth through my neighborhood searching for my house after having too much of Grandma’s Special Holiday Punch.  The instructor thought we would further benefit from the class if she sequenced no less than 82 variations of twisting postures into her flow.  I was amazed to discover that 82 twisting postures existed and that she was able to sequence them all into the hour-long class.  Needless to say, my hypermobility proved to be a disadvantage at the point when my spine decided to bail on this S**Ty practice and opt for more fun ways to spend the afternoon – causing me intense pain.  Drugged up in the ER while telling my doctor that yoga really is good for you, he proceeded to inform me that I had dislocated my SI (sacroiliac) joint, aka my spine slipped out of alignment with my pelvis.

I was prescribed an assortment of things to distract myself from the intense pain, along with a rehab schedule to realign my joints.  After several months of pills, rehab, and care, I cautiously returned to my mat.  I also made the arrogant choice to pop a Percocet before heading into a 98-degree heated room, filled with approximately 50% humidity and 50% ego.  The environment was so cozy that I laid down in Savasana before class started, and fell asleep for the entire thing.  I was able to happily snooze while the instructor blared techno music while yelling at his students, to achieve a “high energy” Noon class.  When the hour was up, the silence crept cautiously back into the room, as the people stumbled out dazed from their near rave-like experience.  As I awoke, I realized two things:  A.) Teachers who are high on cocaine do not mesh well with students loaded on muscle relaxants – the two are complete polar opposites. (Thus, I would need to choose more a more appropriate setting for my first official class back) and B.) I had a newfound respect for any student who, over the years, had practiced (with the covert blessings of studio management) under the influence of any one of the aforementioned substances.

I had realized that these students who could maintain their balance after they had chugged 3-4 beers before entering class (or possibly during class) just might have a better concept of drishti (single-pointed focus) than I did. Thus, I offer kudos to each of them!  Just don’t let me catch any of you arguing with yourself in the mirror again, while I am teaching, or I shall confiscate that beer you brazenly brought into class, which I will need to drink just so I can deal with your sorry a**.

I don’t want to forget the teachers who are able to teach immediately after smoking up, or are hungover and reeking of booze from the rager we all went to the night before, yet still manage to make it through an overheated class, PLUS remember your sequence without hurling your breakfast right there in front of the entire room – I salute you too!  Please know I am in complete awe of your ability to comprehend the concept of dharna (concentration) that I have tried to teach, in vain, for years now.

While these abilities are worth my admiration, I must point out that this behavior is inadvertently dismantling the facade our Marketing Department has so desperately tried to advertise to the naïve “free week” students – that our studios are actually a sanctuary from their own substance abuse issues.

Thus, management has determined they cannot allow this truth to be exposed until the “free week”ers convert into members.  We need to first brainwash them into believing that the studios offer more convenience and better facilities than our competitors, thus the following policies have been enacted for all current students and teachers:

  1. Alcohol must be consumed in the locker room, or in your car, before class.  If you must bring it with you into class, remember to use the red plastic cups we have provided.  There is no glass allowed in the yoga studio.
  2. Anything that must be smoked, please do either at home or in your car.  We do have an indoor smoking ban in the city, thus we can no longer allow any smoking in the boys’ room.
  3. Any and all other illegal substances, unless purchased from a teacher or a manager, needs to be snorted, injected, or swallowed prior to enter the studio facilities.  If purchased on the premises, you must share it with your dealer in the management office.
  4. Please do not mix your substances. This is an old rule I learned in college.

By adhering to these policies you will help us all continue to enable one another with our deluded grandeur that our yoga is the best in town.  Thank you.

PS – You can put that in your waiver and smoke it.