Fair Trade

Poor S got conned into dog sitting again this weekend….by me…..HA!  Our friends went out of town, so we watched their obnoxious little terrier-mix, named Riley.  Okay, truthfully….Riley’s not really that obnoxious….only when the doorbell rings and he barks his head off, or he has to walk outside, on a leash and he tries to kick the leash’s ass, or if he has to be in his crate for more than 30-seconds, or if Bun (the cat) is in the room and he tries to kill her.  Otherwise, he’s pretty good.  Also on the plus-side is that this terrier does not burp, fart, snore, or blow snot all of everything…..like soooome other [bulldog] terriers we know…..(teehee)

Ms. T dropped Riley off this past Saturday evening so she and the fam could spend a few fun-filled days at Disney.  Now, I’ve been to Disney….it’s not my idea of fun….more like HELL….with fireworks!…..which could possibly be fun, I suppose….if you’re into that sort of thing….I should probably not judge.  While we didn’t want to ruin their weekend of fun by sharing the many unsavory business practices by the Disney corporation, we did strongly advise them against going to SeaWorld since the park makes its living by hunting down, trapping and confining cute, baby whales for their circus, freak-show of an amusement park. Never mind the fact that those poor baby whales end up completely bat-shit crazy until they end up killing people, SeaWorld is an “educational” experience for the whole family……oh yes, yes it is…..(and cue end of rant).  After we made T cry for even thinking about setting foot into that overpriced deathtrap, we decided it was probably best to save the conversation about the “Happiest Place on Earth” for another day.

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On Tuesday, she called to say they were leaving the place of crippling depression, rabies, discrimination, and hate crimes:

T: We are leaving Orlando and can I just tell you that Springfield ain’t got nothin’ on this ghetto! As we were leaving Disney, we passed two strip clubs, a bar, a halfway house, a detox center, and a weird acupuncture place, that I am pretty sure is a whore-house, all on the same block.  That is definitely NOT the Happiest Place on Earth.

ME: Hey – I am pretty sure men everywhere would disagree with you because, to them, massage parlors that give happy endings are, indeed, the happiest place on earth.

T: Good point.  How is Riley?  Did he behave well enough for you guys to watch him over Thanksgiving?

ME: It’s actually been a pretty good visit.  The cat showed her face Sunday, Monday, and today!  I think she’s figured out that she is bigger than he is and can probably take him in a knife fight.

T: Wow – that’s amazing!

ME: Right?!  Of course, Riley is just beside himself.  He looks at the cat like, “Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!  I want to bite your head off, but I know if I do, Laura will skin me alive….ALIVE!” Then, he looks at me to see if I am watching him, on the off-chance that I am not and there’s an open window to jump up and eat the cat.  Then, he would go back to watching the cat as she settled down on the back of the couch.

T: So, Riley really does like pussy after all huh?

ME: Totally.  It helps that Bun isn’t being all cat-like about it either, not strutting around like she owns the place and shit.

T: So, you guys can watch him over Thanksgiving then?

ME: Sure, but only if you watch Ginnie at Christmas.

T:  We may not be in town for Christmas.

ME: You don’t seem to understand the concept of fair-trade do you?  Who are you?  China?

T: Maybe, but that makes you more American than you thought, Bitch!

ME:  Ah, shit…..