In April, S and I went to visit his parents in Arizona. I had never met them and we had a lovely time. During our vacation, our friends graciously watched Ginnie the week we were gone. Ginnie is now about 17-years-old and is the most patient, tolerant, happy, well-behaved dog I have ever known. People meet her, who have never owned dogs before, and think that they want to get a dog. This happened to my poor friend, Carrie, for example. Here she thought she was finally ready to get a dog because she loves Ginnie so much, only to learn that they aren’t all that well-behaved, some of them chew up stuff, bark insistently, and just up and poop in the middle of the floor one beautiful spring afternoon, after already having been housebroken.
In return, S and I have agreed to watch our friends’ bulldog for the week. Rather – I agreed and just told S we were watching her…..for a week. They had recently been transferred to Philly and needed to drive their moving truck up, to get things unpacked, and then come back to retrieve their furbaby crew. Here is my daily log of trying to run with a bull(dog) named Gracie.
Night 1
Our friends drop Gracie off…..without her crate. I distinctly remember she used to have a crate, when I was at their house, but no crate arrived this evening with the bulldog. When I asked, they said they haven’t been crating her for awhile now, so apparently we will be living on the “pull and pray” method of dog sitting for the week. I put up a baby gate to block Gracie from going upstairs to stalk the cat (as if a baby gate is going to hold back a 50-lb bulldog) and we all out for our last supper together before they head off to Philly in the morning. I am just praying that Gracie doesn’t eat the furniture (or the cat) while we are gone….S may never speak to me again.
Thank GAWD the furniture (and the cat) were fine when we got home. Although, Ginnie was looking a bit haggard, I am assuming because Gracie wanted to play (Ginnie doesn’t play well with others, Gracie, sorry). As we try to watch a movie, Gracie is a nervous, drooling mess. Poor baby – she is in a strange new place with new people and probably misses her house, her own bed (which is an adorable lime green chaise lounge made just her size, by the way….think someone is spoiled much?!), and her people. All she can do is sit and stare at me, probably thinking, “what the f**k just happened?! Do you not understand, I just lost everything, y’all!? How can you be calm, and just watch a movie, at a time like this?! We have to go find my people! Where did all of my s**t go?! Why aren’t you assholes out there looking for it?! Come on, bitches, let’s GO!!!”
Good idea, Gracie, let’s go!….to bed.
Day 1
Now I am the haggard looking one this morning. Between Gracie pacing around because she misses her hummom and dad, and the snoring when she did finally fall asleep, I am exhausted. Must drink copious amounts of coffee to sound halfway intelligent for my 9:30am sales call. Of course, Gracie found this the perfect time to settle down and chew the crap out of her ball…..for two solid hours. I am not sure how this ball has survived this type of treatment so far, but they need to make car bumpers out of this shit, yo!
By 11:30am, S can’t take the chaos any longer and has left the house to go for a walk to “clear his head”. I have not seen hide nor hair of the cat, since yesterday afternoon either. They are both acting like drama queens, if you ask me. Gracie is a puppy – a snoring, snorting, burping, good natured puppy. We are not really accustomed to noise in our house, so all of the new sounds are creating a great deal of stress for most of us. Ginnie, on the other hand is nearly deaf as a door nail in her old age, so for her, ignoring Gracie is a piece of cake….traitor.
It’s 2pm and we found a fun new game to play!! Gracie takes her ball to the top of the stairs, drops it, then lets it bounce alllll the way to the bottom before she runs down, grabs it and brings it back up to the top of the stairs. Rinse and repeat….10 times so far…will she go for 20 by the end of the day?! The cat may be bald by the end of the week, if this keeps up….
At 8pm it’s confirmed — yes, yes she will….25 times to be exact. I can’t make a single phone call because people would think that I am running a steam mill, what with all of the banging around that is going on in this house and all. The upside is that Gracie entertained herself all day long AND slept through the night, while snoring peacefully, just like a cute, giant freight train. Too bad the rest of us can’t sleep as peacefully….not while there are giant freight trains running through the bedroom anyway….
Day 2
OMG now we have a NEW game to play! Gracie hides the ball on one stair, hops up two stairs, looks for it, then jumps back down two stairs, grabs the ball, jumps up one stair and plays the whole game over again. Rinse and repeat until she makes it up the almost two flights of stairs at the loft. Once she arrived at the top of the stairs, she grabs her ball, runs back down to the bottom of the stairs and repeats the whole cycle. She had completed four rounds of stair hopping before my work day ends.
By 6pm, I decide it is time to take the dogs out so they can “do their business” before dinner. I put the baby gate up at the bottom of the stairs to allow the poor cat to have a moment of peace for the evening. Gracie looks at me like I beat her and took all of her toys away….”How could you ban me from my beloved stairs?….you evil, EVIL woman!” she seems to say with her sad, puppy dog eyes.
Day 3
Bun finally made an appearance today. She came downstairs and briefly sat with S. Of course, Gracie wanted to say hello to her new friend, but the cat immediately bolted back upstairs before Gracie even had a chance to get within 5-feet of her. Bun has opted to sit on S’ computer desk, behind his computer screen….where no one can see her. I have gone up to try and make amends, but we are no longer on speaking terms. She hates me.
The rest of the day was rather uneventful, until about 10pm when the fireworks went off after the baseball game about a mile down the road. Tomorrow is 4th of July, so this was our first test to see how Gracie will do when they unleash hell on the river, right in front of our house. Gracie was not amused and immediately jumped into my lap, almost knocking me and whole recliner backwards. Ginnie is pacing, too. Everyone will be getting a giant dose of Benadryl before tomorrow night’s show, that’s for damn sure….myself included.
Day 4
Gracie puked while eating this morning…..and is now eating both fresh food and puke happily together in the SAME BOWL. It is certainly the most disgusting thing I have witnessed her do thus far. On the plus side, at least she cleans up after herself. So here I am sipping my coffee, listening to the sounds of Gracie play a never ending game of chase with her ball, and finally having some time to write.
Holding true to my word, I dosed the dogs with Benadryl at their 6pm feeding. Fireworks start at 9:30, so they should be all woozy snoozy by then. As soon as the first explosion went off, I then herded everyone to their respective bathrooms. Gracie went to mine, with the fan on to drown out the noise, and Ginnie to S’ bathroom, following the same protocol. The cat opted to stay out for the festivities yet sat with her ears back, glaring at me the whole time – as if I’M responsible for the choices she makes in life – HA!
Double bonus! When we released the girls from their respective jails after the show ended, no one had crapped on the floor. I’d call the evening a success.
Day 5
Gracie has finally worn herself out from playing on the stairs, and slept most of the day today. We have taken advantage of the reprieve and are also sleeping uninterrupted. There isn’t much to miss outside either – it’s too effing hot to move….who ever thought living in Florida was a good idea needs to have their “I’m a logical thinker card” revoked.
The downside to letting Gracie sleep all day is that she then wants to be up all night…TO PLAY! YAY, PLAY TIME!
***Note to self: do not let her sleep all day…..ever. again.***
Day 6
The day began with NO puking – first time since Gracie arrived that she did not hurl her breakfast all over the floor! It’s gonna be a great day…..until the fucking elevator broke…..with me and the dogs IN it this afternoon!
We almost DIED, y’all!
I had just let the girls out for their Noon time pee/poo/happy dance session and we were riding the elevator back up when all of a sudden, it JERKED! to a stop. The dogs and I freak, waiting to see if it will release and send us on a free-fall to our deaths, but thankfully, I’m able to press the “Door Open” button before we have the chance to meet with such an awful fate. The doors open to reveal the elevator has stopped several inches short of the 4th Floor.
Gracie could give two-shits less that her legs are too short to make the clearance and barely scrambles to safety. Meanwhile, Ginnie jumps over her (mimicking a gazelle – who knew she could be so graceful) to make it to safety first, leaving the rest of us to fend for ourselves….traitor.
The elevator remains inoperable for the rest of the weekend – and the stairs are no longer as cool as they once were for Gracie now that she has to haul her beefy little ass up and down four flights each time she has to tinkle.
Day 7
Last day of our run with a bulldog and I am pretty sure Gracie is the winner of this race. I learned that I am ill-prepared for the needs of a slobbery, full of snot, and, as sweet as they may be, overall revolting creature. I used to think I wanted a bulldog, before I got Ginnie….remind me that I NEVER want to own a bulldog after Ginnie is gone.
But, as my friends arrive to come claim their burping, farting, chunky pile of joy, I realize I already miss the little shit and can’t wait to have another go at a run down bulldog alley again! (but maybe, next time let’s just stay on the porch).
The End.
PS – we all slept soundly that night (minus the cat – she is always an asshole and wakes everyone up at 4:30am – because she wants….I don’t know WTF she wants and neither does she….go back to sleep, Bun!).
PPS – After I let Ginnie out the next morning to pee, I said to her, “Come on girls, let’s go get breakfast.” (GirlS?! Which girls?! There only dog here is Ginnie….clearly Gracie quickly wiggled her fat little butt into my heart and I miss her…..)
PPPS – Jerk.
laurariggs.com 
I am laughing out loud. Gracie is a character!
Hilarious!!!