Thank goodness I didn’t get a$$ f****ed by a cactus!

I am pretty sure I have said this before, but if not, I will say it again – the Universe has a sick and twisted sense of humor……which also makes me love It even more….this twisted humor is also known as irony.

Yesterday, I went up to the Zoo to teach my weekly yoga class (sadly, they only allow me to teach to people, even though I continually beg them to let me teach to the lions, I have been told that lions don’t really want to do yoga and will eat my face off should I try to force them…poop, I say!).  In typical Laura fashion, I was racing in on two wheels to get to the class on time and the gate would not open.  Thus, I had to park about 85 miles away and run to the spot in the zoo where class was being held.

That meant that after class, I had to hoof it back 95 miles (no, that isn’t a typo), uphill, both ways, in a blizzard!….(what?  I know I live in Florida, but this is my story, so I can pretend that even though it is hot as a mother f**ker here right now, that it is snowing….who would have thought that I would have someday wanted it to snow?!  see?  IRONY!).  Instead of hoofing it back to my car, I decided to walk slow and enjoy the peaceful surroundings of the zoo in the evening without any of the unshowered masses who visit during normal hours and piss off all of the animals.  In the evening, they come out and sit quietly to also enjoy the peace and quiet.

Of course, being surrounded by beautiful gardens, lions, giraffes, and gorillas meant that I immediately HAD to……check my email!  As I walked, I was looking down at my phone, enjoying the splendor.  Out of my peripheral vision I noticed a rather large crack in the sidewalk, so I lifted my right leg higher than normal to step over it.  Mid-step it registered in my brain that something was a little off, however, and I looked away from my phone to actually see what was wrong with the sidewalk.  As I did, I discovered I was stepping over a F**KING SNAKE!  AHHHHHHHHH!  (and yes, I screamed, just.like.that.)

The next few moments were quite tense as I tried not to piss Mr. Snake off while I finished stepping over him.  He looked up at me and, fortunately, didn’t seem too disturbed by my presence.  I took some deep breaths and then laughed my ass off.  I guess the Universe decided to test my little vow and see how serious I am about getting off my damn phone.  However, I did not vow to stop using my phone when I was all by myself, did I Mr. Universe?  Instead, I guess it was a very stern message that maybe I just shouldn’t be on my phone whilst outside of my home.  Obviously, I cannot be trusted to text and walk at the same time.

In fact, it really is a good lesson in all of that mindfulness crap I blabber on so much about when I teach yoga.  My Thursday lesson:  It’s always good to be aware of your surroundings, and stay off your effing phone, because you just never know when you might step on a snake!