Free for Hos, Five Dollas for Joes

Have I ever mentioned that Springfield is full of Hos?  I am pretty sure that I have once or twice, but in case I haven’t yet….Springfield is full of Hos!  Given the high concentration of crack houses in the ‘hood, one should naturally expect there to be crack whores.  A crack addict has a bad habit of blowing through their savings, ending up homeless and must turn tricks in order to get a 5-spot that they can take to the nearest crack dealer for a small hit that will get them through the next five minutes, so that they can turn another trick and start the whole cycle over again…and again….and again…..sad but true.

Luckily, many of the hos here in Springfield have found safe haven down the street from me.  And here I thought many of these poor ladies were having to wash their stank ass drawers in some random person’s birdbath when no one was looking….no, no, NO…….and you know why?!  They got themselves a real live brothel here in the ‘hood!   That’s right – a brothel!!!  Now, don’t get visions of The Biggest Little Whorehouse in Texas dancing around in your head, this ain’t that kind of brothel.  These are REAL hos…not them Hollywood kind of hos….these hos have no teeth.  Which, of course, are the kind of hos that give the best BJs….or, so I’ve been told any way….

There are only a couple of hos that I see coming in and out of the brothel on a consistent basis, the rest seem to reside there in a more temporary stasis.  The one with no teeth also has a she-beard, doesn’t wear a bra, and looks like she may have been hit with a 2×4 on more than one occasion by the manager of the brothel.  The other one passes in front of my mom’s house on her walk to the liquor store every day.  She looks a bit dusky, I am guessing because either cirrhosis is starting to set in or she is one of the walking dead.   Each day around 3pm, she shuffles down to the liquor store, generally barefoot, buys herself a 40oz of malt liqah and then shuffles back up to the brothel.

There are a few days that she skips her daily errand and I worry that means today is the day when she finally kicked the bucket and we are going to end up with a dead ho discarded on our front lawn so that no questions get asked of the brothel owner as to why they had a 80-year-old ho still working the streets of Springfield…..this recession has been tough on everyone, man.  It helps to explain why anyone in GAWD’s name would pay money (all-be-it five dollas make you holla) to sleep with someone who has no teeth, or is half dead.  People just can’t afford high priced hos like they could back in the Clinton era.  These days, the hos of Wal-Mart seem like high priced hookers compared to the Springfield Sweeties….

Florida was one of the states most hard hit by the economic downturn and Jacksonville is recovering from the recession.  People have had to tighten their household budgets, so even the hos have been affected by this change.  Lots of Joes can’t afford the five dollar price tag these days and have had to resort to straight masturbation as their only means for sexual satisfaction.  The risk is that this can drive a man crazy.  As my neighbors, Amanda and Mark can attest, after the recent attempted break in at their home.  Seems some guy tried to break into their house, most likely to get his hands on anything he could pawn at one of the 42 pawn shops on Main Street in order to pay for his well needed BJ, but was foiled by the fact that Amanda and Mark were actually home.  Disappointed by this discovery, he decided to forego the whore house and sat down on their front porch to wack on off until the police arrived.  I have to applaud him for being creative with his time management.

I think this week can be best summed up by the dude riding on his bicycle this morning in front of the house……he was singing the infamous MJ’s “Beeeeat It, Beeeeat It!” at the top of his lungs at 7am…..yes, sir, beat it, indeed!