The Jump Out Boyz Are Back!

Until recently, I hadn’t ever heard much from the people who would frequent the apartment on the side of the house next door.  I have come to learn, however, that they are not much better than the dudes living in the unit in the back.  Thursday night, they made the mistake of screwing the wrong crackhead out of the proper amount for his fix, though, and the Jump Out Boyz have returned!  And by Thursday night……I mean Thursday, the 4th……the Fourth of July.  Good thing I am not tasked with reporting the real news huh?  if it were left up to me, you wouldn’t find out that a plane had crashed in the Hudson River for FOUR months…..(cuz that is how long it took for me to learn of that shit myself, yo!) I hope you will still love me tomorrow….

For those of you who know, the house next door to me is…..well……interesting….to say the least.  For those of you who don’t know, it is a rooming house, so the same people that were living there a year ago, or even a month ago, are not the same people who live there now.  And the people living there now will most likely not be the same people living there two weeks from now.  This has its pros and cons.  The pro is that it provides me with an endless amount of comedic material to share with you (on a very timely basis).  The con is there is a constant churn of derelicts moving about the street on a daily basis.  Addicts of all kind live there for a short time but provide some really, really good writing material, yet are less than desirable as actual, reliable neighbors.

The rooming house is divided into three separate living units – one in the front, one on the side, and one in the back.  The one in the front usually contains slightly more responsible tenants – most of the ones I have met still have their own teeth anyway.  But, you just never know what you are gonna get with the side tenants or the ones from the back.  Rent gets paid on a weekly basis, usually with cash, and they try their best to keep things on the down low.  Frankly, I could care less how they choose to manage their finances.  My problem is they tend to sell crack to earn an income and the problem with selling crack is that you must deal with crackheads.  And crackheads want their crack when they want it….and ain’t nobody gonna talk no sense to a crackhead.

Thus, we had a wee bit of a raid at 9th and Market Thursday night (….the fourth…of July….).  And why did we have a wee bit of a raid on Thursday night???  Because the crack dealer was not home when the crackheads came for their crack!  For a normal person, who goes to visit a business associate, if that associate is not present, then we send an email/text/voicemail to reschedule the appointment.  A crackhead, on the other hand, believes firmly that if you say you are going to be available, then by God, you bet not forget that!  If they show up and you aren’t there, they will break into your house and get the shit they came for.  The girl climbing into the window of the side apartment in the house next door proves this point perfectly.  She was not about to leave empty handed just because the dumbass dealer spends all of his hard-earned crack money smoking pot and forgot to meet her at the specified time to give her the fix she needs!

Needless to say, when the neighbor living on the other side of the crack house saw a crackhead crawling through windows, he called guess who??  THE JUMP OUT BOYZ – that’s who!!!  JUMP OUT BOYZ to the rescue!

The J.O.B. just looooove these types of calls – as they really provide them with the most efficient use of theirs and the taxpayers’ time.  Not only do they get to arrest the crackheads for breaking and entering, but they get to arrest the crack dealer when he returns home unsuspectingly to find the PoPo’s and the MoFo’s hiding in his house.  But wait!  There’s more! The guy from 8th and Market apartments called police at the same time as our little raid to report a naked dude was trying to break into his building, so he walked down to see why the 12 cop cars that pulled up in front of the crack house were lost!  I just wonder, how big was this naked guy’s schlong to think you would need 12 cop cars to arrest him???  (Sorry, Mom, that you had to read that…) Reports on the community watch board came flying in to inquire as to how many people were involved in the raid.  Transcripts can be found below:

I was coming home from a customer’s house and there was a lot of activity on
8th Street…3 cops cars at the BP and saw more go by with their lights on.

Not only are the crackheads getting their a$$s hauled to jail, but there’s a
naked dude running around 8th street flashing his junk to everyone too! Go
America – this is the best 4th of July EVER!

Hahahaha I missed the naked dude.

Upholding civilization. God bless ’em.

I did too! But, the neighbor from the apartments on 8th & market came
down to ask the cops why they were all in front of our house when he had called
on the naked dude laying on the sidewalk in front of his place!

Why doesn’t she move?

Because then we wouldn’t have blogs….DUH!


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