Why I can’t get my work done

Now that I seem to be getting the hang of this whole working thing again and having to balance my schedule with play, I have been able to be more diligent about writing these past few weeks.  The book that I thought would take a year to write is going to take more like three.  I spent the first year being too pissed off and sad and hurt and angry and depressed to even think about writing it without sounding totally bitter.  Then, I took time for an Eat. Pray. Love. adventure last fall, went back to school, met a lovely man, finally found a job this summer, and moved out of the ‘hood.

My mom and J were transferred to Reno and their house in the ‘hood sold in a short time, so that meant that I was on my ass and down the road to the loft they own (please feel sorry for me, I know I do).  The loft is not very far from the ‘hood though – just a mile down the road in the downtown area – facing the river (see? You should feel sorry for me, because this is quite an awful place to have to live…down by the river!).  I work from home during the day, so I don’t have time to stalk any crazy people to write about (other than myself) until the evening.  As irony would have it, downtown Jacksonville is pretty much a ghost town after 7pm.  I have the streets all to myself in the evening.

It’s kind of lonely and really boring.  Now I have no excuse to avoid writing this book…..so I decide to get in my car and drive over to a local café instead…..because cafes are better for writing than lofts down by the river!  (If you have never seen the SNL skit with Chris Farley, then this metaphor is completely lost on you and you really should consider therapy.)  I arrive at the café and order a glass of vino to reminisce the time I spent writing in cafes all over Europe last year.  Then, I sit down at the only table available next to two girls who look to be studying.  One is engrossed in a textbook and the other is pouring over her Facebook posts on her phone.

I easily write 100 words when the quiet table of two girls next to me suddenly breaks into a noisy table of five girls drinking beer.  I can’t be sure when the other three arrived, but I am now completely disrupted by their shenanigans.  I try to ignore them and continue to write – after all, I hiked all over Europe and wrote on noisy streets, in cafes, restaurants, jazz clubs, you name it.  I can handle five college aged girls drinking beer on a Tuesday night,
right?!  WRONG!  One of the girls decides to declare herself a music expert of taste and sophistication and I lose my shit.

Now, I realize that I am a Leo and am quick to react to others with judgment, so I decide I need to take a poll of my dearest friends before I jump too soon into violent action.  Here is the transcript of my evening from there.  (Note: I have omitted the people’s names to those whom I sent my text requests in order to protect them from appearing like as big of an asshole as I do.)

Question #1 (ME): May I please kick the girl next to me who just said, “Nicki Minaj is the best singer in the whole world”?

S: Just puke a lil on her 🙂

C: Oh god, please do! That bitch can’t even sing one note!
And she’s a freak to boot (and not in a good way)!!

M: Fuck. Yes.  It’s almost a sin not to.

A: Kicking people is not too nice, but hitting them in the head with a frying pan IS! You’re not actually hitting them…the pan is..Besides, we all know that the best singer is Justin Beiber! DUH!

T: Heee heeee!  Doooo itttt!  Wait…maybe she is deaf!

ME: Oh…I didn’t think of that…Poor baby!

T: Special peeps in the world

ME: I think I am on another planet indeed

Question #2 (ME): I may need to get these girls on video and then play it back for them to show them how dumb they are acting.  What do you think?

M: Or just put it on YouTube and let all of America see how dumb they are

Question #3 (ME): Oh my gawd! Now she’s talking about playing on a slip and slide at a night club and she got ring worm, but “it was SO much fun”!  BAH!!  I can’t work under these conditions! (Okay this isn’t so much of a question as a statement, but people still had some thoughts on the topic….)

C: I’m throwing up in my mouth right now!

M: Where are you?? That’s sooooo gross!!  EW

ME: At a coffee shop

M: OMG, I thought you were on a NYC subway

At this point, my evening is in the toilet.  There is no way I can sit around and try to be creative while someone who enjoys getting ringworm on slip-and-slides at nightclubs is sitting right next to me.  I pack up my shit and head for the car, where I proceed to bathe myself in hand sanitizer, followed by a shower of rubbing alcohol when I get home.

These, my friends, are the people of Jacksonville…. and why I can’t get any work done.