Workin’ for the Man!

I have been working for the man across the street for several days now. It has become increasingly apparent that His and Her Jackassholiness are completely indecisive and nothing seems to ever run on schedule with this project.  Thus, I have decided to continue to drive alone in the mornings. I generally take my sweet ass time and don’t leave the house until 11 (I am supposed to BE there at 11…..oops). As I was approaching the house, close to 11:30am, he called and asked,

“Where are you?” 

“Ah Shit,” I think to myself, “I am going to get fired….again….I…am….awesome…”  I quickly reply that I am almost there and then I ask if he needs anything – gotta get back on his good side. 

He said, “Yes, I lost the keys to the house.” 

“Which house?” I ask, hoping he would not answer with what he said next, “the Julington Creek

“Again?!  Are you serious?”  I ask, bewildered. 

“Yes, can you please turn around and go back to my house to get the keys?  I think they are there, but I am not sure.” 

“Oh lord.  Well, before I drive all the way back there, we should make sure that you don’t have them.”  I said.  All the while I am thinking, WTF? He left the house two hours ago, and he is just now calling me to say he lost the keys?!  What has he been doing for the past two hours?  You know what?  I don’t want to know the answer to that question. 

He hangs up with me, starts tearing apart his truck and calls my mom to ask her to go root around
for the keys at his house.  Meanwhile I turned into the Dunkin’ Donuts parking lot to wait for word on the whereabouts of the illusive keys.  The neighbor directs my mom to go upstairs to the bedroom and look in the pockets of the shorts he wore the day before – she doesn’t even go rummaging through her husband’s shorts!  Thankfully, the keys, some leftover golf tees and a few stray lint balls are in his shorts and I have now been given word to head back to the house (add 30 minutes to my work time), then back down to Julington Creek (add another 30 minutes to my work time).  This really has to be one of the easiest jobs, ever!

Last night, after working until 4am to get the project wrapped up, he lost the keys again……I think he needs a bell.