Post Office A-Holes!

The guy who bought my old place reported to one of my old neighbors in the building, he is still receiving mail for me. I know it is normal when you move that your crap-tas-tic catalogs will still be mailed to the old address for eternity – I remember receiving mail periodically for a person who had lived in my unit some 8 or 9 years prior to me. However, I was led to investigate further when I received a notification from the Elections Commission that my voter registration was no longer valid. Upon contacting the elections office they informed they had received documentation that I submitted online for my change of address, but when the confirmation card was sent to the new address, it was returned as undeliverable. So, they mailed me a post card, again to the new address, to update my information. That one arrived, however – hence my confusion…..

I dug back through my old emails (Thankfully, I rarely delete the important ones. I mean, you never know when you might need to blackmail someone someday, right?) I had submitted a change of address request back on May 4th and received a confirmation with a tracking number. I went online for an update and it showed they are still processing it – TWO months later….so I called the USPS. They suggested I call the local post office – yep, did that, they don’t answer their phone, and they don’t have a voicemail system to pick up so that you can leave a message – why??? Because THAT would make sense and we don’t believe in logic here at the Post Office – we believe in chaos, insanity, and all things mayhem.

Thus, I called Big Brother instead. They opened up a case to investigate why the Capitol Hill Station in Denver sucks ass – a case, I am sure will never be solved, but I have a little confirmation number so that I can now sleep better at night. Since I had an actual live person on the phone – and that took me months to track down – I asked her to look into my previous case of stolen mail. She said that they sent me a form to fill out to retrieve the lost mail – yep, did that. She asked had I sent it back in – yep did that too (was this question really necessary or do you think she was just effing with me?). She said, okay well then the case is closed. Um… it isn’t dear…..I haven’t receive any of the missing items. So, guess what they are going to do in order to alleviate my angst? Open up a case! I have another case # now to look into the old case #. Maybe I can take both of them to Vegas and double down to win a trip to sleep on a cot near a roadside in Bangladesh! Who’s with me?!

It gets better – the follow up letter on the case of stolen mail came from the post office in a plastic bag with an apology on it that it got chewed up. They are sorry, but they don’t follow up on missing mail cases…..lesson from the universe: I didn’t need the shit anyway.

I did call again today to get an update on the change of address, now almost three months later – and it is still being processed. I would like to reason that they are reforming their transportation methods from car to horseback, but honestly – even if they walked my mail from the old address to the new address – it would have been there two-and-a-half months ago! How hard it is to forward mail from Denver to Littleton for fuck’s sake?! Damn you, Post Office A-Holes, now you made me go and drop the F-Bomb!