Dear Lance,

By Laura:

Through great hurt and betrayal, you have become the
visual manifestation for all of my anger, resentment, hatred and rage.
I hate everything that you did to me.
I hate that you still think you are a good guy.
I hate that I still think about you at all.
I am pissed that you didn’t care about me,
or that I fell in love with you
and that I gave you my heart when you did not deserve it.

You cheated on me, lied to me, made fun of me,
betrayed me, and destroyed what was once ME.
When I needed you, you left me to
navigate the dark waters of despair alone.
In truth, you never really did anything for me,
everything you did, you did for yourself.

I am ashamed that I begged you for anything,
including love, affection, or appreciation.
You only wanted me on your terms,
confirming that you thought of me as nothing more
than a object to be acquired and then
discarded when you were finished using me.

I am enraged that you are teaching yoga,
despite all of your condescending, degrading,
judgmental remarks you always made about me
about yoga, about yoga teachers.
You don’t deserve to teach anyone anything
when you haven’t figured out a single thing
about yourself or the world yet.  Yet, you move on.

This whole time I have beat myself for loving you.
I sat paralyzed waiting for something to change the past,
while you simply moved on.
I caused myself suffering by loving you
despite your imperfections,
despite your anger,
despite your lies

I knew we were not meant to stay together,
I knew that you would betray me,
I knew I would fall to pieces because of you
I knew you were a liar, a cheat, a piece of shit
yet I loved you.

I loved the glimpses of good in you.
I loved you because I needed you.
I loved you when I didn’t love myself.
Regardless of how awful you are,
it is I who have the power to be free of
the suffering.
To be free of the hurt and no longer
allow you the power to destroy me.

To hell with Melanie,
To hell with Rita,
To hell with Kitty,
To hell with Jenn,
To hell with Chris,
To hell with Core Power,
To hell with you.