February Update

Hey there.  Here is your first ‘hood update of February on the haps here in Springfield (per your request, I will try to get them out more often and with pics – I am now officially carrying my camera in my purse, like I am Nancy frickin’ Drew of the new century).

So, the people next door are definitely practicing to be “America’s Next Top Car Commercial Announcer”.  These people yell at each other about everything under the sun, the moon, and Pluto (is it a planet, or a piece of crappy rock in our solar system – who cares?!)  The other day I heard them scream at one another about a grocery list back and forth from the alley behind the house.  He tells her to get some bread at the store, and she tells him “What the f**k ‘else you want you a**hole?!  I shouldn’t be the one doin’ your shoppin’ for you anyhow – you lazy, no good, cheatin’ bastard!”  They drink like fish (in fact they were out on the front porch this morning at 9am with beers in their hands – um….ew?!) and then the yelling seems to begin about mid-afternoon.  This is definitely a case alcohol abuse, domestic abuse, and neighbor’s sanity abuse – but I think it is SHE that is the abusive one, and he is the co-dependent).

I have called the police every night on them for a week – because the fighting starts early, then they turn their music up to cover up the argument – and then they yell OVER the music.  On Wednesday night, I had to call the police THREE times (and they came out THREE times, at 10:30pm, 2am, and 5:30am).  They have gotten wise to me too – when the police come and rattle on the front door for 15-minutes, they do not answer.  They turn the music down, get real quiet, wait for the officers (with guns drawn) to leave.  Once their vehicles are out of sight – music goes up, tempers go up and the battle is back on.

Who can fight for that long and still have energy or a voice for that matter – this impresses and intrigues me.  I am thinking of going over and asking them for voice lessons.  I would like to discover their secrets for how to project so well that you can hear them coming from two blocks away!  We have called the owner of the house and he is having trouble with getting them evicted.  On the other hand, I am also thinking of buying a bullhorn, so that I can open my window when they start fighting and telling them I will play country music until they shut the f**k up.  And then I will blast Travis Tritt through the bullhorn until their ears bleed.  Can somebody give me an “Ahimsa” up in here?!

On a less bitter and angry note, there is a woman named Josephine who lives across the street.  She was going around the ‘hood last Sunday to collect funds to bury a friend of hers who had recently passed away.  In exchange, you could buy “eggs”.  Not sure if they were chicken eggs, or maybe her eggs.  Of course, we declined the offer – and as we watched her go, we had the chance to read the back of her t-shirt…….which said……wait for it…….

“I am Rick James’ Bitch”!  Holla!