Arrived in JAX!

So, now it is official – you will all now be receiving Laura’s Updates from the ‘Hood on a regular basis – the intention being to give you a grasp of the interesting folk you meet here in Springfield.  If you would like to unsubscribe, too bad ‘cuz I miss you and I need something to do to laugh (and so do you).  Here is a recap from yesterday (which I am also writing in an effort to distract myself from sending out resumes to jobs I am completely incapable of working at right now BTW…….your tax dollars are hard at work……).

Yesterday I was awakened to the sound of the loudest black woman you have ever heard yelling profanities at her poor, unfortunate boyfriend who most likely deserved the awful words coming out of her mouth.  (All this racket was coming from the house next door, I mentioned to you).  Needless to say, I was not on her side of the argument at the moment because it was FIVE F***ing THIRTY on a Sunday morning!  At this moment in time, she was the devil – and I hate her for waking me up because it is rare these days that I sleep at all.  I wait for a while to see if she is going to ever shut up and alas no, so I get up to let the dog out and get the animals their breakfast.  This tirade of obscenities continues until my mom woke up at around 7:30 (how she didn’t hear these two fighting, I will never know – she sleeps like the dead and I am completely envious).

I had the most awful headache from the meds I am on, and I myself am now pissy since not only do I have to feel the pounding in my head, but the woman next door’s voice is pounding through the walls!  My mom promptly calls to report the noise complaint.  (Can I just tell you that the Denver Police Department should come down here and intern with the JAX PD?!  These guys know a little something about response time – of course, the population is a third of what Denver’s is – but who cares right?)  The police show up, I kid you not, in about 4-minutes flat.  They tell the two to knock it off, and then leave.  Shortly after pulling the away, the two are back at it of course, but now they have turned the music up to try and cover up their vile feud.  And would you like to know the song they were playing???? “Doin’ the Butt”, by E.U.!!!!  My mom and I are now sitting on the back patio (because it was warm and the sun was finally out, thank gawd) – and we are just dying laughing!  We decided, at this point, to go down and take Ginnie to the Riverwalk and get some exercise and fresh air, and we can’t stand listening to them for one more second!

Upon return, an hour and a half later, yes ladies – the couple is STILL fighting.  We choose to stage a sit-in protest with bowls of chocolate chip ice cream on the living room couch until we see the fire department and an ambulance show up to the house next door!  WTF – we didn’t call anyone…..noooooo….someone from inside the house next door called.  My mom gets on the phone with her neighbor from the across the street, because from his front door he can see directly into the next to my mom’s (do you need a diagram for this yet?).  He reports that someone has fallen down the stairs.  My mom hangs up with him, and he walks out of his house and across the street to stand and chat with one of the fireman about the excitement.  A neighbor from down the way comes out of his house to check the scene as well – and brings popcorn!

Now the two men are standing there, with the fireman, eating popcorn while the next-door neighbor gets hauled out of the house, unconscious, no movement, drunk as a skunk with a pulse and a neck brace, AND his girlfriend STILL yelling at him as they put him in the ambulance and haul is ass to the hospital and then most certainly to detox.  They say he tripped and fell – but ladies, I do believe this is a cut and dry case of she pushed his ass down the stairs……

The rest of the afternoon was pleasantly quiet.